Choices

Everyday we make choices. They guide us through our life like a giant choose your own adventure book. You have just got home from work, what do you do: Go for a run, turn to page 15 or Lay on the couch and watch a movie, turn to page 75. Some are simple, some are more complex. Sometimes we know a choice is right to make and we still make the wrong ones. Part of what makes us Human; we are not totally designed on logic.

I was originally writing this as a comment on exercise and nutrition. We can choose to eat properly or we can choose to work out. We can choose to be dedicated. These choices all fall directly to us. Now though this is more about life and relationships, making the hardest choices of all.

Emotion is such a huge part of us. It is an important part of us, but one that must not run rampant over all logic. I am guilty of this at times, and at times I am guilty of no emotion and just seeing through logical eyes.

I have made many choices over my life, as have we all, some are small and we make them everyday, some without thinking. Others are larger; I made a choice to not weigh 300lbs. Some of these choices workout for the best others do not.

My weakest area on choices is easily relationships. I can make the decision to be with someone, to give them my heart, to let my emotional barriers down. That is no problem. I can make the decision to be with them, to love them forever. This is not my issue. After awhile, maybe things aren’t perfect for whatever reason, emotions take over without logic, without the thought that I love this person and want to be with them. Emotions of fear and being with one woman forever emerge. I guess maybe it boils down to a fear of committing to what I want so very badly. I choose to withdraw. I move away and in the end either I break up or she breaks up with me. I am left wondering what the hell happened. Most of the time perhaps it was for the best, maybe my fears were because I couldn’t be who they needed me to be. Or I wasn’t willing to work on things enough.

Ironically when I look back at my history of relationships, the closest thing to a one night stand was a series of encounters with a friend that was still probably 3 or 4 months long. I am not one to look for tail every where, I am certainly not a playa. So then why after a time do I wonder if the girl I am with is the right one? Why do I wonder and pull away from the relationship. It makes very little logical or emotional sense to me to pull away from what I want.

In the end I make the choice and I have to live with it. If she makes the choice not to be with me, and truly believes in it, I need to stand by her choice and let her make it. I need to choose to be a better person, someone who is less selfish. I can’t just decide to turn off my feelings, but I can decide how I am going to act on them. Sometimes I choose to be selfish and in doing so I end up hurting people I love. I do not want to be this person anymore, I want to be better for me and for the people I love.

Choices, we can all make ones that will make our life better. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. Choices are however what will guide us: how we choose to react to things, how we choose to interact with others, how we choose to live our lives.

For now I need to make some hard choices, and the last few days have been fairly insightful for me. I choose to let how things are be good thing for me. I choose to understand and accept why Shannon can’t be with me. I choose to not dwell on rekindling the past relationship with her. I choose to not live for the slim hope of a possible future with her at my side. I choose to be someone she can trust to be a friend, not someone she can trust has an ulterior motive.